Internal Conflit

I always knew that the "real world" would not be all rainbows and sunshine.  However, it probably took someone in my face raising their voice and disobeying my words to have it truly sink in.  I'm not naive, at least I don't feel as I am, but when asked to do something that makes sense and had to be done soon anyway, can people just comply?  I was not singling out this individual nor was anyone else.  The show she put did a marvelous job directing the spotlight on her tho.

The "real world" is now the real world.  Sans quotes.

In other news, my online dating has been progressing slowly.  I have been finding some interesting people to talk to.  However easy going and free of commitment the conversations are, I feel as though I am two timing someone!  Deep down I understand that it is not the case and those guys are probably chatting up multiple woman too.  How suited am I to finding someone online?

Onward we go!

Its been too long...

So I have been slacking on my blogging.  I apologize to.. well anyone but especially to myself since this is a commitment I should be on top of.

Update on my life anyone?

Professionally, I started my job.  Its a temp but I could see it potentially going somewhere.  I work at Citifeild, home of the New York Mets as a suite supervisor.  The hours aren't long compared to being in a kitchen, but I feel that I move around wayyyy more than I did in the kitchen.

I was suppose to only be in charge of 8 suites but the read world has set in.  One supervisor got fired before the opening game and another got fired for not reporting in.  Now instead of 8 I have 13.  On a "regular" day 9 out of 13 of my suites are open.  I have about 2 guest attendants per room and 2 runners between all of them.

There's a lot of walking back and forth, I'm considering getting a pedometer to see how far I walk in a day, however the job is fun and also frustrating at times.  But I take a deep breath to calm myself and try to tackle the problem head on.

Now personally, hang on to your chairs, I joined an online dating site.  I know what you're thinking but please:
DON'T JUDGE!
9 times out of 10, you don't have the right to.

It might sound strange for a 21 year old to join a dating website, but honest to truth, I'm not the type to go out to clubs or bars.  Beside, what type of guys will I be meeting there anyway?  So I ventured out and gave online dating a try.

I do admit, there were a few creepers who messaged me.  No offense to them but I'm 21 and one of them was 41.

More to come on that later.  I need sleep.
6 out of a 10 game home stand done.... now to survive the last 4.

It Drips, It Drops, It Pitters and It Patters

Rain is highly mysterious.


It beats soft
It beats hard
Cutting my skin
Like a shard

It comes slow

It comes fast

Washing away 

The sins from the past

The sun will rise 

A new day will begin

The perks of living at home..

is the food.  Always the food.

I doubt there is anything better than a home cooked meal especially dishes that I LOVE.  Eating at school was like walking on a tightrope.  One wrong move and your pretty much screwed!  Although the choices are abundant, by the time I graduated they were boring.  Menus didn't seem to change in the three years I was there.

Now at home, I have a chance to make request and suggestions.  It's not a surprise that I eat way better, therefore, must move more.  The numbers on the scale are quite unforgiving and brutally honest.

Baby Back Ribs.  Fall off the bone delicious with a nice spicy kick.

Dessert: Ben and Jerry Ice Cream with Fluff and home made caramel sauce.

It's the small things that count.

Yesterday I had the fortune of going out with one of my greatest friend from high school.  While most meetings occur either in a museum in Manhattan or at our high school, we decided to go somewhere closer to home and more familiar.

The Hall of Science is the interactive museum in Queens that I'm sure every elementary school student goes to as a field trip.  It has been years since I have stepped foot into that building.  Surprisingly, it was very much how I remembered it.  Even better I think we enjoyed ourself much more this time around.

It was a through back into being a child again.  Curious and inquisitive, we explored and conquered experiencing the joy and carefree feeling that was once a staple in days gone by.

Then my heart shook with fear...

Fear takes many forms.  Fear that I would not find a job.  Fear that I would get hurt while I'm uninsured.  Fear of disappointing my parents.  But there is no greater fear than that of loosing one's life.  There have been quite a few times in my life when I questioned if I would live.  Not to sound like my life is in danger all the time, but there have been instances.  When I was a girl of 5 or 6, I was in a car accident in Canada.  I went snowboarding two years back and while coming down a hill something happened and I ended up laying on my back, totally still.  I swear I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  Then a few months later while riding shotgun with a friend I experienced that "what if" when she turned into incoming traffic.  The uncertainty of what might happen is overwhelming.

In almost all of those situations, I questioned myself.

Am I proud of the life I lead up to this point?

I am an avid watcher of crime shows like CSI and Law & Order.  In those there are bound to be gunshots.  A sound which I am quite unfamiliar with.

Last night or rather early this morning, I was in bed but not yet asleep when i heard what I thought was 5 or 6 gunshots.  At first I was in denial.  I live in a residential neighborhood and rarely hear about robberies or break-ins.  Yet as I laid there, I considered what else those sounds could be.  A blown tire? A plastic bottle a car went over?

This unrecognizable fear and questioning set it.  Is everything okay?  Are we safe?  What happened?
I could have brushed it off as something that happened in the distance until police cars rolled up.  Then more questions came up.

Of all things to be afraid of... the unknown is by far the most daunting.

Cruising along

Over a week and a half has passed by since graduation.  Almost all of my great friends have moved back home and the few still in NY have started or are preparing to start working.  Which leaves me to think about where my life is heading.


I had my first interview today in Manhattan.  I was so nervous I barely slept the night before.  I can't help but think I was over dressed.  The CIA dress code has been such a big part of my educational career that I went there in a button down, dress skirt and heels while my interviewer was in t-shit and jeans.  Overall I felt quite confidant.  Now to rock the trailing tomorrow!  I'm sure today and tomorrow is just the beginning of what I will be facing more often.


In other news, living at home is like a a throwback in time.  For the past 3 years I have been quite independant: no one to tell me when to go to bed or when to take my meals or report where I am and with whom I am out with.  I can say quite positivly, those days are OVER.  My parents, much love to them, are super protective.  Since thier bird that left the nest has finally flown home, they hover.. endlessly.  Strangely, I can't say I mind it all that much.  


One positive and negative aspect of living at home has to be the FOOD.  There is nothing better than a home cooked meal, not even what they serve at school compares.  

Dad made some crispy wings.

Juicy steak with sauteed spinach (not pictured)

My mother learned how to make Cha Sui from scratch. It's better than what the stores offer.

I also made, what i considered, a vat of chilli.  Somehow it got demolished in a day.

With all this food, I'm lucky if I can keep my weight the same. :)

Something I have been working on is photography.  My father has a great Canon Rebel and I have been playing around with it.  It's quite a change for someone who has been use to point and shoot cameras to learning how to manually set almost everything.  It's quite fun but I need to go out to take more pictures!

Here is a few that I like best.  Questions, comments and critiques are welcomed!

*It's all flower because there was nothing else that created the same effect.