Friday, February 26, 2010

Then my heart shook with fear...

Fear takes many forms.  Fear that I would not find a job.  Fear that I would get hurt while I'm uninsured.  Fear of disappointing my parents.  But there is no greater fear than that of loosing one's life.  There have been quite a few times in my life when I questioned if I would live.  Not to sound like my life is in danger all the time, but there have been instances.  When I was a girl of 5 or 6, I was in a car accident in Canada.  I went snowboarding two years back and while coming down a hill something happened and I ended up laying on my back, totally still.  I swear I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  Then a few months later while riding shotgun with a friend I experienced that "what if" when she turned into incoming traffic.  The uncertainty of what might happen is overwhelming.

In almost all of those situations, I questioned myself.

Am I proud of the life I lead up to this point?

I am an avid watcher of crime shows like CSI and Law & Order.  In those there are bound to be gunshots.  A sound which I am quite unfamiliar with.

Last night or rather early this morning, I was in bed but not yet asleep when i heard what I thought was 5 or 6 gunshots.  At first I was in denial.  I live in a residential neighborhood and rarely hear about robberies or break-ins.  Yet as I laid there, I considered what else those sounds could be.  A blown tire? A plastic bottle a car went over?

This unrecognizable fear and questioning set it.  Is everything okay?  Are we safe?  What happened?
I could have brushed it off as something that happened in the distance until police cars rolled up.  Then more questions came up.

Of all things to be afraid of... the unknown is by far the most daunting.

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